They drive me wild
by let-them-say-what-they-will
Summary: A Quincest Fanfic about Tegan ... finding out about al the Quincest thing. THis is not a story about a real and plausible reaction, it's a fanfic with funny things and some Quincest :D I'm sorry for my bad English, it's not my first language.
1. Finding Out

**A/N**

_This is intended as a funny thing... not a serious story about a plausible reaction to the Quincest thing. So take it as what it is, a Quincest story about Tegan and Sara finding out Quincest. I referred to posts that actually are in the Quincest / Tegan and Sara tags on Tumblr :)_  
_Please leave a comment if you like the story... or if you want to tell it sounds too stupid ahahaha.  
I remind you English is not my first language._

**Chapter 1: Finding out**

_Tegan P.O.V_

I don't even remember the last time I've done it. You know, with all the work and things. Interviews, photoshoots, touring, Lindsey...  
But now I have some time. The European tour is over, Lindsey it's out city due to work, so I'm here alone and I'll have few days of rest. I love this time on my own. I can do everything I want, like being lazy, eat junk food... Yeah in a couple of days my house will be a mess but who care. I'll manage to clean all before Linds will be back.  
So what I'm doing... I'm surfing the net looking for... myself and my sister ahahahaha.  
Yeah I know it sound so self indulgent, but I really love to see and read fans comments about our shows or interviews. They are amazing. Yeah, I can tell you that, our fans are the best fans anyone could wish to have. They are loyal and they always cheer us even when we try to experiment with new ways. Like with the last record. Far away from the ones released before. We've received tons of letters from fans about that change. We have lost some of them on the way, I know. But some others, even if the first impact was it seemed strange, learned to love the new sound. And also, we have a lot of new fans. I know that this change disappointed some people, but the truth is that we needed a change, we needed something new. We do music hoping that people will love it, but we do music for ourselves first. We need to do something to enjoy ourselves if we want to get the chance to affect someone. So here I am.

- Tegan was surfing on Tumblr, a site that she always loved. Watching at animated gifs forever repeating some strange face she made in who-know what interview. Gifs of herself playing music, laughing. Gifs with quotes of something fun she had said few days before.  
And post with videos from the last shows, comments about their music, their voices. It was soo cool. Yeah, sometime not too cool she can say. -

Oh my god look at this post... this girl is saying that my performance wasn't the best in London. Yeah... maybe she's right. I mean, I wasn't at the best that night but... what the hell means "Tegan surpassed my concert ears?"... oh that sounds awful. She's saying that when she goes to shows, she rarely notice every out of tune singing due to the excitement. Like selective deafness. Oh God.

– Tegan started to laugh so hard at this statement. It was really something new. She knew she wasn't always perfect but that was the first time someone described the thing in that way. And even if it wasn't really a good thing, she just couldn't stop laughing. -

Oh God I love this girl. She wrote that the show was amazing and she enjoyed herself really much. Ah and here we are "Sara was perfect bla bla bla"... "I'm an S-Sider bla bla bla." Yeah, I think I'm in front of one of Sara's fans. I mean... I know that probably she loves us both, she love our music and she love us as a band... but almost everyone has a preferred twin tho. But this girl is cute. She had waited to see us for 12 years and then she came to London from another country Just to see us... Oh look... she was in France too. And see... she really loved me, she was on my side of the stage and she thought I was amazing that night. And Sara was perfect, as always. Look at that pictures she takes... soo nice. Oh the one with Sara biting her lips with eyes closed. People go crazy for this kind of things. Me licking my lips, Sara biting hers. Sara... I miss her.

– Tegan was thinking about her sister. Touring with her was not the easiest thing in the world. They fought, argued and get pissed of a lot. But they love each other, they have a lot of fun, they enjoy each other company. Sometime they just spent time reading or watching something without talking but just happy to spend some time together. Everytime a tour was over was always the same thing. At the first they are so happy to go back home, not to have to argue or fight anymore. But few days later they both felt that feeling of something missed. They were sister, twins. They spent months together and then they had to split up, and that always left a feeling of emptiness. Yeah it lasts just a couple of weeks, just the time to go back to their normal routine. But for that weeks, they try to call each other every day if they could. Not that they don't get in touch normally, but in that period it was like a necessity. So Tegan watched at her clock. -

It's 11 am ok... so it's... 2 pm there. Yeah I can call Sara on skype...

"Hi Sar... how're you doing?" I say in a happy voice.  
"Hey Tegan... I'm fine, I was watching some tv, cleaning up actually... what about you?" She says. I love the way she smiles everytime I call her.  
"You know... lazing around I-"  
"I see... I can see the crappy food on your shirt too... You will get a heart attack If you'll go on with that shit." she says interrupting me. But she is right, and fuck, it's true, my pyjama is a mess. And I start to laugh looking at myself.  
"Fuck you Sara..." I say jokingly.  
"I guess Linds is away... look at that mess." she says and I see her eyes exploring the little glimpse of the room she can see behind me.  
"Yeah mom, I'll clean up later ok?" and we both laugh.  
"So... what are you doing?" She asks.  
"Oh nothing, I was surfing the net and reading things about us... talking about... was I just that shitty in London?" I ask trying to look serious.  
"Oh... do you really think I can remember? But probably if something went wrong, it was due to you..." And she laughs widely.  
I smile at her giving her a middle finger causing her to laugh even more.  
"I don't know, but I remember... Call It Off from that show. When they started to sing all together leaving you with a great smile. That was so nice." she says.  
It's true, I know this kind of things sometimes happen when we play old songs, but I can't help myself, I always get strong emotion and sometimes they just leave me breathless so I let the fans do my job.  
"Yeah I remember... it was great." I say.  
"You know, sometime you seems kinda sweet on stage" and she laughs "anyways... I think we're both doing great. Touring this album was really hard at the very beginning but now... I think you sound amazing." she says and... what the fuck, she's blushing, isn't she? I start to laugh and she blushes even more.  
"Why the fuck are you laughing?" she says a little upset.  
"Nothing nothing, it's just... I kinda love when you do appreciations on me." I say, knowing that this is going to make her blush again. And here we are... a tint of rose on her cheeks. I love it. But it makes me laugh again.  
"Fuck you Tegan..." she says trying to laugh "by the way, I have to cheer you up if I don't want to fuck up all our business. I don't need a depressed sister in the band." she says giving me a mocking smile.  
"How sweet of you..." I say giving her my gummy smile.  
I see her move on the couch and smile to someone behind the screen. I know, Stacy is back home. Few second later I see her sitting on the couch near Sara, and then she give her a soft kiss on her lips.  
"Bleah, you could have say goodbye and close the connection at least." I say teasingly. Sara is blushing again, she's not the kind of person that likes to show her affection in front of other people. Even more in front of me. Sometime I think she could be even a little frigid. None of my business, by the way.  
"Hi Tegan, how are you?" Stacy says with a big smile placing an arm around Sara's shoulders to bring her closer. Sara's a little embarrassed, I can tell you.  
"I'm doing great... and you?" I smile back to her.  
"I'm a little busy trying to make your sister happy." she turns her head to Sara smiling and I hear Sara say her name with an embarrassed voice, giving her a little pat on the leg. She smirks at Sara and Sara open her eyes wide. Then Stacy turns her head to me again.  
"I'm sorry Tegan but I think we have to go... you know... business." she says giggling.  
"I see, oh you guys... so goodbye." I say to them jokingly. Then I look directly to my sister "I miss you." I say to her. I don't even know if she know how much I really miss her. But... why the fuck is she blushing again?  
"I miss you too Tee." she says and she close the connection as her girlfriend pulls her up from the couch by the hand.

Yeah business.

- Tegan was giggling in her own mind. Then she thought about Sara. Sometime Sara appeared embarrassed in front of her, and she didn't know why. And that one was a strange chat. She knew her sister was shy but, lately she started to blush in front of her. That was strange at least. She was her sister but everytime Tegan gave her compliments or got too close to her, physically... she didn't even know. It was like Sara got awkward around her. And that Tee thing? She hadn't called her that way since they were kids. She wondered for an instant about those things, and then she continued to surf on Tumblr watching the posts under the Tegan and Sara tag -

Oh look at this... they are so cute... but. Oh god that strange, it looks as I'm checking out my sister. And... this are from Livestream acoustic set. I remember that. Sara was sick. Her voice was low and we managed to rearrange her songs in a new key to let her sing easily. Oh that gaze I give her... it was because she didn't enter with the back vocals. But in this gif it looks like a total different kind of gaze. Oh my God... This gifs set makes us look like a couple... or better... it looks like I'm in love with her... holy shit.

- She started to go through comments -

- where did my ovaries go? - ahahaha that funny  
- such an intimate moment and it makes me want to cry endlessly – how cute. But... intimate?  
- please be more obvious about your love for one another i can't see it at all – Oh my Gog.  
- Okay, but, none of those looks are sisterly, Tegan. - what are you saying? Ok it looks strange if you took just that moment but...  
- If this isn't Quincest I don't know what the fuck is! - mmmm...

QUINCEST?


	2. The curiosity kills the cat

**A/N**  
_I know that this is cheesy and stupid :D I wrote this chapter like four times but it was always awful. I mean... not awful but... lately I've read and seen a lot of sad things so it was like I was not able to write something funny XD. I'm sorry about that. So this was the only version without really sad things ahahaha. But I thought about some nice and funny things that I will use in the next chapters. I hope you like this anyway. And I hope my English is getting a little better XD._

**Chapter 2: the curiosity kills the cat**

_- Tegan P.O.V -_

Few days have passed since I found about Quincest. You know, in some ways I think it's insane. I mean... me and my sister? Are you kidding me? And I know I should be disgusted and repulsed. But the truth is that I'm not. I mean... I never thought about her in that way, and I can't do that... It's gross. The only thing that make me checking out the Quincest tag is that... I REALLY LOVE some of this fans. I mean... some of them maybe go way too far, but it's funny to read what they think. It's funny to see where their theories came from. They have a really vivid imagination. The thing I love the most, I think, is the way they interpret our songs. I mean... I know the meaning beneath my songs... yeah almost for all of them... sometime I can't even figure out what the fuck I was thinking about when I wrote some of them but... I mean... sometime I wondered what Sara's songs are about, and some of the explanation they give... even if I can tell you that they aren't about me... but in some way I'm flattered about their words. I mean... I don't even know how to put this. It's like... you know... we have a good relationship... Sara and I... and I'm happy about that. Lately we fight a lot less than before but... it's not like we don't enjoy each other presence, but... I really like Sara, but she's... sometime she's distant and cold and suddenly she's close again. It's complicated. And the thought that some of her songs could be about me... make me feel like... it's a warm thought. Maybe this sound a little stupid.

And if I may... even if I know what my songs are about... if they weren't mine, some of this people theories wouldn't sound so out of the world. Ahahahah. I'm terrible I know.

And by the way... some of the gifs I saw, really make it seems as there could be something more than sisterly love between us. I mean... there was that one where I was looking at her, and she turned giving me her back, and my gaze slipped from top to down like I was really checking her out. And the thing that bother me the most is that the most of these posts are about me. I mean... it's like I am the one really in love. Fuck it's not fair... just because she's cold and frigid ahahaha. It's true that I've always been the one who showed affection. But it's even true that the most intense words come from Sara. I mean... sometimes this people simply quote parts of interviews, and even if I am the "physical one", she has that way to name things and to talk. She doesn't talk too much about us, but when she does, she has this mastery with words... and she's always intense. And she does a lot of jokes, but when the time to say how she feels, she's great and sweet. It's one of the things I love the most about her. And one of the things I envy the most. I'll never be able to write as she does.

- She was looking at the tag when she finally found something about her sister. It was a gif, Sara was looking at her as Tegan was answering a question about who know what. She was looking at her with this glance that had everything in it. Proudness, love... -

Look at those eyes. Isn't she beautiful? Yeah, she is... I am... we are ahahaha. What she sees when she looks at me like that? What she thinks? Sometimes I wonder if she's really proud of me. I mean, she's my sister, we are together in a band, we did a lot of things together and sometimes I just ask myself if she's proud of me. I don't even know why I need confirmation from her. But... I can see that in those eyes. The way she looks a me make me feel like I'm good. Like there's something special about me, something she sees. And now that's on the net, her proudness, forever. I love the way she smiles with her eyes. It's so sweet. Oh my God there is a comment saying the same thing with the same words ahahah. Hey look at this.

- Tegan was looking at a gif of her sister "been distracted by her gesturing". It was from Heartthrob interviews bloopers. Tegan was trying to use that machine, and her sister was looking at her... -

Ass... she's looking my ass. Ahahaha I can't believe it. I mean... I know my bum it's beautiful but I can't figure out she's been distracted by that. There was the quote under the gifs.

"_I felt, I feel a little distracted by your *gestures to Tegan's ass* …By your gesturing" _

See... she's the one who wants me. Ahahahahah. she looks so obvious there.  
I like the "quotes" part too. It's true, sometimes we say things about each other that could be interpreted in that kind of way... at least from people who want to see that way. I really love to check this tag even for this... they collect all the sweetest things we've ever said. And, we didn't say too many things that could sound sweet for the other one, but here... I can read it. Sometime I doesn't even believe we have said those things. It's strange... especially when they came from Sara. She doesn't even want me to touch her. And then she says those things. By the way... it's really true that people can build a novel on few words.  
OH FUCK...

- Tegan closed her laptop, the manipulated picture printed in her mind. Her face between Sara's legs. That was too much. All the other things maybe were weird for her. Mostly she didn't even remember the shows were the gifs came from, the quotes too. And even if people thought strange things about that, they were real. They were moments she had shared with her sister. And was nice to read those things, and feel her sister affection again. And even if people imagined things, there was some truth in there, they really loved each other even if a whole different way that some of those people thought. But those pictures were just... gross and disgusting. After a couple of hours, she felt strange and a little bit sad, so she called her sister. -

"Hi Sara." I say smiling. I don't really know why I felt this need to see her. But in the moment she's on the screen, I feel better.  
"Hi Tegan, how are you?" She asks with a strange look as she can see inside me.  
"I'm fine..." I say. I lie. I don't want to worry her, and I don't want to think why I'm feeling so strange.  
"Are you sure? You look... It's just that you are pale:" she says looking at me worried anyway as she leans close to the screen.  
"No sure... I'm ok." I smile at her trying my best to ease her.  
"Ok... so... are you ready for the Australian tour?" She asks me. And I know she change the subject because she know I don't want to talk about what is worrying me, even if the truth is that I don't really know neither.  
"Oh yeah, I can't wait... it will be great I know." I say with a big smile, this time with a true smile. And she smiles back at me.  
For a moment, I see the same eyes I saw in the gifs a couple of hours ago. That sweet and beautiful smile, and I'm sure that if she had been here I would have hugged her even if she hates it. My smile fades away for a moment.  
"Are you sure you're ok?" She asks me again.  
"Yeah don't worry... I was just thinking." I say to her. How I can ask her a thing like that? It's kind of awkward.  
"About what?" Sara says. "There is any problem? I mean... you know you can talk to me if you need." She adds, I look at her blankly for a second, and then I start to laugh. It's strange to see her so sweet and caring. She blushes lightly.  
"Oh... I'm glad I made you feel better." she says confused, but with a little smile on her face.  
"I'm sorry it's just that sometime you are so... sweet... it's cute." I say to her smiling. And she blushes. Even if its a weird thing to see her blush at my words, I think it's kind of... she looks so nice with the little tint of pink on her face. I'm serious again, and I see her tense a little.  
"Sara... are you..." I start again and suddenly I feel stupid so I stop.  
"Hey Tee..." now she is so close to the screen I almost can see the reflection in her eyes. The use of that name makes me smile. And even if I know I'm going to embarrass myself, I just want her to say it to me.  
"I know it's stupid but... are you.. are you proud of me?" I ask. Put it into words sounds strange even for me. People always thought I'm the strong one, but the truth is that she's just reserved. She's reserved even with me sometimes, and that's why I have to ask her things. I hate that. I hate that I have to ask her because I need her approval. Oh fuck I'm a grown woman, and I still need her assurance. she looks at me with wide eyes for a moment. Then she laughs cutting my thoughts.  
"Of course I am." she says as she chuckle, and for a moment I think she's about to teasing me... but she sounds nervous both in her voice and her laughs. It's so strange, and I regret that I asked her. I look down at my feet a little embarrassed. After few second staring at the floor, I hear her voice again so I look at her, she's serious now.  
"Yeah, I am... every day. You know, I proud of you, and I'm proud of what you have built. And..." She stops for a moment, and I can tell it's not easy for her to open herself to me. "...and I know that if I am who I am, if I have reached something in my life... it's because of you. I would be nothing without you." She says. Now her face is really red, but she keeps her eyes in mine. This time I blush too. I can't believe at what she said. I can't believe how those words make me feel. I'm speechless.  
"Sar..." I don't know what to say, but I feel the tears in my eyes, and I don't even know why. There are a few seconds of silences.  
"I have to go..." she says. I can see something in her eyes, like she is worried she had said something wrong. I see her reaching out to shut off the connection.  
"Sara.." She stops. I don't want her to close thinking she had said something stupid or awkward. It's not like that. It's just... I'm not used to her intensity. I mean... we talk a lot when we are together, but they are always easy talks on stupid things. Or maybe not so stupid things but... we rarely say that kind of things. Most of the compliments we give one another, we give them in front of a camera. We can show affection to each other looking in a camera or a some journalist, but we don't do that looking in each other's eyes. And for the first time I think that this is a strange thing.  
"I... would be nothing without you. There is no Tegan without Sara." Her eyes widen, and she smiles, and I know we both have this tint of pink on our cheeks, and we both feel the same warmth in our hearts.  
"See you soon Tee." she says, and then she closes the connection. She doesn't even give the time to say goodbye.

_- Sara P.O.V -_

I can't believe... I can't believe what I've said. Oh my god that was so embarrassing. Why she had to ask things like that? And why the fuck my heart have to run that way? Oh fuck Tegan... do you know what you're doing to me?  
But when I saw her face, like she was sad and embarrassed because she opened up for me, and I just laughed in her face... I couldn't let her feel that awkward. And... Jesus... I'm really that bad that I made her ask me that? I mean... I'm so terrible that she doesn't even know how much proud I am of her? I know I can't tell her how much I really... but I began that cold in the last few years? It's possible that I'm such a mess with my feelings that I... I made her feel like she's not that important... I forced her to ask for... Fuck Sara.

_- Tegan P.O.V -_

_- One month and a half later -_

Yeah, we are on tour again. Our Australian tour it's going great, and then we'll have a couple of Asian dates. I need to take a shower before we go to the venue. It's damn hot here. But I want to check on something before.

- Tegan took her laptop and start to surf the familiar site on the Tegan and Sara tag. She started to laugh when her eyes leaned on a couple of Sara's gifs. -

Look at this Gifs... It's a post full of gifs about Sara, she's dancing. She's trying to at least ahahaha. Oh God they are super quick and that makes her look even more strange. I mean, she moves so... strangely... like she doesn't really know how to dance. It's awkward and sweet at the same time. she looks like a child o my God... it's so cute. _"she looks like Ray Charles when she moves."_ Oh God I can't handle it. Ahahahahah. These people are marvelous. I really love them. And what about that?... she's singing with her guitar hung around her neck even if she's not playing it. She's just singing. And she's... she's moving her hips like... yeah that comment says it all_ "She's having sex with her guitar, right?"_ Ahahah I can't stop laughing. But... it's true... I mean... It's kind of... sexy. Damn she really is. And that other gif of Sara?... She's looking into the camera. I can't even remember the interview, but she has that look... it's like... lecherous. Oh my God _"Someday this gif will be put on a porn site."_ Ahahahahaha. This guys are fantastic.

- Tegan was laughing so hard she almost fell to the ground from the bed. Some of that gifs were really funny, but there were the comments which almost killed her. And... Sara was really sexy. -

Let me take a look at the other tag. I haven't seen any other really gross manipulations after that first time. I'm glad about that. Hey, look at this drawing. I mean... It's strange because it's Sara and me, and I am spooning her, and we are in bed just with our panties. I know I should be repelled, but I'm not. Yeah it's strange to me too. I mean... at first all of those things made me feel a little disgusted... I mean, the pictures. But now... I don't know why but... I'm not that repulsed. I mean... I don't really like them, but they don't give me goosebumps anymore. I just ignore them. But this drawing is really nice... all the detail of our tattoos. And it's... kind of sweet. I definitely would do that, I mean... completely clothed ahahaha. But I don't think Sara would ever accept to do so. But I remember... sometime when we were kids, and she was scared, she always sneaked in my bed.  
Oh this is from something old. I can say that looking at my hair ahahaha. Were we touring Sainthood? Or it was later? I said something about Arrow was written about me, and about the fact that Sara wanted to write something about me, and she wrote that. And then Sara said that lately I had started to pick up awkward songs to presenting them as they were written about me. Like Body Work... and I said that It was strange to knew that it was written about me by my sister because that was a sexy song. And when she tried to shut me up I said something like "Ok, she's not ready yet. Hop back into sister closet." Yeah that was awkward, and I can figure out why it's under the Quincest tag ahahahahaha.  
Those guys are really great... maybe I... I think I'm going to have fun with them.

- Tegan went to the bathroom with a smirk on her face, and took her quick shower. She was tying her shoes when someone knock at the door. A moment later her sister was in the frame. -

"Do you always keep the doors open?" She says looking at me. She has a nice smile on her face "Next time could be a serial killer." She adds with a grin.  
"Yeah, they are famous to sneak into random hotel rooms and kill people." I say with a similar grin on my face. "Maybe I was just expecting someone." I say with a smirk. She does a strange face.  
"Oh yeah, I know you are the bitch among the two of us." she says with an annoyed tone. I look at her with my mouth open. Why is she so bitchy today?  
"Hey fuck you Sara, don't be rude." I say, and looking at her face I know I made her feel a little guilty.  
"I'm sor-" She starts to say, but when I give her my gummy smile she get it that I was joking. She wrinkles her nose.  
"So, are you ready?" She asks me as I stand up.  
"Yeah, do I look good?" I ask to her.  
"You're gorgeous." She says without thinking. And her eyes go immediately at her feet like she regrets her words. I think she feels stupid and embarrassed. Before I knew it, I'm hugging her. My arms around her neck. A couple of seconds later I feel her hands, she's rubbing my back. I take a deep breath, filling my nostrils with the smell of her shampoo. This is such a rare moment that I don't want it to stop. Whenever I tried to hug her, in the past, she had pushed me away almost every time. In the last years, I unconsciously stopped to try at all. Maybe because, I thought Sara thought it was a childish thing. But in this moment I don't really care. After few more seconds, I push her lightly, and when I look into her eyes, our arms are still where they were before. We look like a dancing couple. Yeah maybe this IS a little awkward, but It doesn't feel bad at all. For me at least. Sara is so red in her face I think she's about to explode. I take a step backward. I didn't mean to embarrass her.  
"I'm... thank you..." I say awkwardly.  
"So... let's go." she says without looking at me

_- Sara P.O.V. -_

I can't believe it –_ this is becoming like... my favorite sentence lately _- She hugged me, just out of the blue. I mean... she know I don't really like that kind of things. I mean... I didn't really liked it but now... But now it's different... It's that... I can't. It's not right for me to get so close to her. But when she is... I just can't walk away. It's so strange to feel shivers when she touches me. It's not right. Maybe I'm sick. And she's not helping me with all this things, strange questions, being so close physically. Fuck I don't even believe I had said those things to her. I'm going crazy. I just need some time on my own I know. I'm tired. Fuck we have almost a month of touring in front of us.

- The way to the venue was short. Sara spent the time in her bunk, reading. Tegan was with the guys, joking and having fun. The sound check went great, and soon they were called on stage. -

She's looking at me... again. I know she does it a lot but, why she has to look at me like that? Oh fuck I don't even remember the fucking words of the song... oh fuck.  
"Hey sis, are you getting older?" she says while the music is still playing.  
"Oh no it's just... you were looking at me like you had some problem... I thought you were sick. I have to take care of my messy sister you know. I have to remind her even to blow her nose. I don't know what she would do without me." Take that Tegan, you know that I know how to play this game.  
"I-" She tries to say. Then she laughs. _Why is she laughing like THAT?  
_"Shut up... I think I remember the words... you know... I'm not old as you." I say... and a couple of moment later I'm singing again. I look up at her at the end of the song, and she has that strange smirk on her face.

- The rest of the show went perfectly. No other mistakes or interruptions, some funny and innocent jokes, but... always those strange gazes from Tegan. And then, the end of the show came. -

"Thank you guys, you've been great tonight." I say to the crowd. A moment later I feel my sister near me. She grabs me by the hand, puts our hands in the air, and then she bows blatantly before she rushes out of the stage still holding my hand.  
"What the fuck Tegan." I say with trace of anger in my voice. It's not her fault... is that I feel strange to touch her, and she held my hand in front of a fucking crowd.  
"Hey sis, take it easy. Are you on your period? It was nothing. It's just, you know our fans love when we are nice to each other." She says defensively, but smirking.  
"Yeah, you could be nice without fucking touch me. I hate you when you do so." I say to her, and I know it's strange, I was hugging her just few hours ago, but there were the two of us. Stop.  
"Shit, what the fuck is your problem?... I didn't know... ok.. I will not fucking touch you ever again. Ok?" she says. I know she's angry and hurt. She always felt hurt in the past, when she tried to be close to me, and I pushed her away again and again till she just stopped. I feel so bad. I mean... I'm blaming her for something that it's just my problem. I reach out to her wrist, but she pulls me away.  
"Fuck you." She says before she leaves me alone.

_- Tegan P.O.V. -_

What the fuck is her problem? She had become so strange lately. I mean... what I've done to her? I don't know. Oh fuck off, she's the one who acts strangely. She blushes, and she says things, and now suddenly she goes mad for a fucking stupid thing like that. One moment she's close and the next she's cold again.  
"FUCK." I yell when I'm on the bus again. I don't care that the guys are all looking at me now. I see the door of the bus that opens. I see Sara.  
"Fuck." I repeat in a whisper, looking at her. she looks guilty, but I don't care. And fuck... I don't even understand why her reaction hurts me so much. I was used to it. We fought all the time, we cursed each other but... I never felt that rejected by her. It's wasn't for her words, It was the way she looksed at me. I just go to my bunk. The guys gazed at me for a moment, but they are used to our fights. I see Sara follow me with her eyes, and she opens her mouth, but before she has the chance to say a thing, I'm gone. In few minutes we are at our hotel. We take the elevator and then we are at our rooms. Her room it's next to mine, but I don't look at her at all. I hear a sigh before enter my room.

I go straight to the bathroom to take a shower, I really need to wash out this evening. It's started so good, and it's ended in a shitty way. Fuck.  
The warm water is doing her job. And with the sweat and the tiredness, even the anger is fading away. I feel much better.  
_At least, we left good material for the Quincest._ Ahahahaha. I can't believe I'm thinking that. I don't know from where this stupid thought come from. I mean... on the stage tonight... I know I was teasing them with those stupid comments, and those looks to Sara.  
Maybe I've hurt her without even notice? Hurt her how? I don't know what to think. And I don't know how to feel. Maybe I can just see some TV and don't think at all. Because right now... I feel very stupid.

A couple of hours later I hear a knock at the door. It's late, but I can't sleep. And I know well who is behind the door. I just don't want to talk to her. Another knock.  
"Tegan?..." I don't reply. Maybe she will go away.  
"Tegan I know you're awake, I can hear your TV." she says. I think I could just pretend to be asleep. But no...  
"Go away." I say, I don't want to pretend, I want her to know how much she pissed me off. Yeah this is really a sisterly thing.  
"Please Tegan... please." She says almost begging. Something in my chest ache at her tone, she sounds at verge of tears. And even if a moment before I just wanted her to feel bad... I feel like I can't do that to her now. I open the door and set the TV on mute.  
"What do you want?" I say to her. I know that most of the anger is gone, but I still feel a little hurt, and I can't help myself.  
"May I come in?" She asks me, she looks almost shy. I don't say anything, but give her space to enter. When she's in, I close the door.  
"Tegan... I'm sorry, I really am." she says, and I can see in her eyes that it's true.  
"Don't be. It's ok... I didn't notice there it was such an issue for you. Like I said, I will never touch you again. No problem." I say harshly. I'm still doing it. I'm still hurting her. And I want to punch her, and hug her, and scream in her face all at once. It sucks.

It's not like I WANT to hurt her. I can see in her eyes that she feels bad about what happened. It's just that... it really hurts when your sister, your twin, your business partner, in a way even your life partner... when the most important person in your life make you feel like if you were an annoyance... as if it was difficult for them just to bear your presence. I freeze for a moment. The intensity of my thoughts and feelings hit me like a punch. I look at her in the eyes. _Do you know how important you are to me?_ I didn't ever realized this till now. I mean... I've always loved her, she's my sister, and thing are complicated between sisters, even more if your work depend on them.  
Her voice tears me from my thoughts.

"No Tegan... please. I didn't mean it. It's just..." Her eyes are light red, but I cut her off.  
"It's just what? WHAT?" I raise my voice. She doesn't say anything. I know she can see how I feel just looking into my eyes as I can see her feelings through hers.  
"I didn't mean to... hurt you... I'm sorry." She says turning around to go away. And suddenly I don't want her to go.  
"No... wait." I say. And I know she thinks that I'm crazy, just a moment ago it was me the one who was kicking her out.  
"Sara, talk to me... what is happening? I know there is something... tell me." I say looking at her, my look softens. I can see she's uncomfortable in the situation.  
"Tegan it's... nothing... I'm just too tired and... I feel... I don't know... I don't even know how to tell." she says... I can see tears began to fall from her eyes. Before I can think about it, my hand reaches out to her cheeks, and with mi thumb I dry her tears. But this just seems to cause her to cry even more.  
"I'm sorry." I say, even if I don't really know why.  
When I'm about to pull my hand, I see her puts her hand on mine. It's warm and slightly damp. She turns her face into my palm. She closes her eyes as she kisses my hand. She frees it as she opens her eyes again. And I'm overwhelmed. She never did a thing like that and I'm kind of happy and... scared at the same time because now I'm even more confused, and I don't really understand what is happening to her.  
"I better go." she says. But I put a hand on her shoulder. I don't want to let her go.  
"Please, stay here tonight." I say... I can feel her tensing. And I feel stupid again.  
"What?" she says nervously.  
"Yeah, stay with me, like when we were children, and we loved each other, and we were happy and there wasn't any problem." I smile. I know that I sound stupid, but this is really what I want right now.

I want to feel the peace I felt when we were kids and fell asleep in each other's arms. she looks down for I don't even know how long, and then she simply nods. I give her a quick hug, just a second, but it's enough smell a little hint of alcohol on her. I don't care. I make my way to the bed, and put the sheets on me. She takes off her jacket and shoes and lays down near me, on the sheets. She's on her back, looking at the ceiling. I'm on my side, facing her, looking at her face. Her lips are slightly parted. she looks so vulnerable right now. I slide my gaze to her chest. She's breathing heavily, trembling.

"Sara...?" I say questioningly. She doesn't respond.  
"Tegan I'm sorry I've been that bitchy to you." she says firmly like she's trying to cut off the conversation, and she looks at me just for a moment. Then she turns on her side giving me her back.  
"I'm sorry too, I mean... but you know... it hurts so much to be... rejected by you. I don't even know if you know how important you are to me. How important is to me what you think." I say. I feel strange. I mean... we are not used to share our feelings with each other. Specially feelings we have about each other. It's a little awkward, but I want her to know. I hear her sigh.  
"I'm really sorry Tegan, you are the last person I wanted to hurt. I promise I will never let my feelings weigh on you again." she says. And for a moment I don't know what to say. I don't know what she means, and I'm not sure I want to know what she's talking about. So for few minutes I say nothing until I see she's shaking.  
"Are you cold? You can come under the sheets if you want." I say.  
"No it's ok. And I have my dirty clothes on, I don't think it's sanitary." She laughs lightly before adds "Even if probably it would be more sanitary than it's normally at your home." I'm glad she's joking with me.  
"True story. If we were been in my place, probably the sheets were on you on their own initiative." I say laughing with her. I reach out with a hand, and rest it on her arm.  
"I can... I can hold you if you're cold." I say, feeling like a child. I feel her body tense again.  
"I'm not... really." She says. I start to withdraw my hand slowly, rubbing her shoulder.  
"But you can hold me anyway... if you want to." She says shyly, and almost in a pained tone that I don't understand. I put an arm around her waist, and push on her stomach to bring her closer. Then I rest my hand on the mattress. Few second later I feel her hand on mine, interweaving our fingers. She moves our hands up near her face. And my heart skip a bit, and it's so strange to me, but it so nice and sweet.  
"Twins foreveeeer." I say jokingly into her ear, and at the sound of my voice I feel her tremble in my embrace. A moment later she falls asleep.  
The thought of how similar our position it's with the one in the drawing I saw on the net, makes me smile before I fall asleep too.


	3. My little cow

**A/N**

_I'm trying to write funny and stupid things... and I think I'm doing it right. They are very stupid... I hope they are funny too._  
_Tell me if you like this :). Reviews are welcome.  
A big thank to Wildfores for helping me with this work :)_

**Chapter 3: My little cow**

_Tegan P.O.V._

- When she woke up, she found herself alone in her bed. On the nightstand there was a note "Thank you, I'm sorry", she smiled at her sister's handwriting, and at the little ':)' on the paper, it was kind of childish.

I think I haven't slept so well in months. She left not so long ago, I know this because the bed is still warm. I can even smell her scent. I have never noticed how great she smells. Haha I think she slept with me because she was a little drunk, and when she woke up near me, she freaked out. I know she doesn't really like these kinds of things. I hope she isn't upset right now. I think I have a couple of hours before we need to leave.

- Tegan took a quick shower, and went to get something to eat before the end of breakfast time. She found her sister there; Sara was filling her cup with coffee, so Tegan decides to approach her. -

"Hey Sara." I say, with a soft voice, but she jolts anyway.  
"Hi Tegan." She says to me, and I can tell you, she looks a little embarrassed. So I smile at her trying to ease the tension.  
"Did you sleep well?" I say teasing her, I know I'm making her nervous again, but I can't help it. It's too funny not to.  
"Yea, since you started to kick and snort." She says sarcastically, and I was happy she was returning jokes, though her cheeks were a little pink. She smiles at me just turns away.  
"I need a shower, see you later." She says without looking back. Indeed, she was wearing the same clothes she had the last night.

_Sara P.O.V._

I tried to joke with her, but the truth is that I'm a little embarrassed. I wasn't drunk the last night, I only had a few drinks, just enough to ease my mind. I needed a little help to go to my sister's room and apologize to her. I had enough alcohol to talk to her, but not enough to say all the things I have in my heart. Can you imagine what a disaster it would be?_ "Hi Tegan, I'm drunk and... you know... I'm fucking in love with you so... You know, lately you've been acting so weirdly that you're fucking with my mind. So... you know... don't do that, unless you wanna fuck me too, not just my brain,"_ yeah, what a great speaker I am... even when I'm drunk.

But I wasn't prepared for what she said the last night. She opened up to me in a way she never did before. And in that moment the little alcohol I had inside of me lost it's effect. So when she asked me to sleep with her, I said yes. It wasn't because alcohol had softened my inhibitions, but because I wanted to. And it scared me a little. I mean, sleeping with Tegan with all the feelings I have inside was not a good idea. When she touched me to cuddle ... I felt like an angel was dragging me to hell. It's unfair that such a beautiful thing had to be so complicated, but I fell asleep in a matter of minutes.

When I woke up, I found myself in Tegan's arms. And I was scared because I had turned in my sleep, so I was facing her. I was pressed into her; my forehead was touching her chest, one of her hands between mine, near her chest. Her other hand was on my side, under my t-shirt. I could feel her warm touch, and when I felt it, my heart stopped for a second. I raised my head, and my nose touched hers. My heart beat faster and faster. My lips were almost touching hers, her sweet scent was enveloping me. I've never had been so scared and excited at the same time. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I couldn't. She was my sister, and she would hate me for the rest of her life. I watched her for few minutes, trying to fight my impulses. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to run away, but she was just... she was so beautiful in her sleeping state that it was just impossible for me to walk away. But after few minutes, it was too much for me to handle. I had to leave, so I decided to get a coffee before taking a shower.

And that's it. Here we are. I've just left Tegan and I'm going to my room to take a shower. Tonight we have another show but before that, we have an interview at a radio station. In around 3 hours, and we need to be there.

_Tegan P.O.V._

Sara's acting a little strange. I hope she doesn't have a problem. We got in the car that will akeus to the radio station.

"Hei guys, see you at the venue." I say to Ted and John before we go away. They wave at us.  
After a few moment of silence, I start talking to Sara.  
"Hey, are you ok?" I ask her, she turns to me slowly.  
"Yes, I'm ok." She says, smiling at me. Her smile was sweet, so I guess she's telling the truth.  
"I don't snore." I say mockingly.  
"Oh, yes. You do. It was like sleeping with an animal." She says to me, with a grin.

- They talked for few minutes about little things, and that eased their minds. They both laughed at each other jokes about things they saw on the way. Tegan was happy to share such a relaxing moment with her sister. Sometimes it was not that easy to work with her. Not that it was her fault, it was just that... they were sisters. Sometimes they fought, and sometimes they loved to tease each other even now that they are grown women. But they can't help themselves. There is that great bond between them, and sometimes they felt like they hadn't grown up at all, so they teased each other like children do. They were welcomed by a friendly guy that led them to a small room where they found food and drinks. Then they were led to a studio were the man that was about to interview them was sitting. They had small talk with him before they started. The first part was all about the guy asking them the usual questions about their work, then was the time of some fan questions. -

"Hey guys... I can't believe I'm talking with you." The girl on the phone says.  
"Ahahaha not a big deal. So, shoot." I say smiling to Sara.  
"Ok this is a stupid question but... why do you share clothes?" we laugh at the question, and she laughs with us. Sara is the one to answer."You know, we travel on this little bus, and we don't have that much space for things so... plus we are the same size, more or less... you know, I'm a little thinner and-" I interrupt her.  
"No, no just a moment. We have to make it clear. I have a fabulous body... and you're not thinner, it's just that you don't have as much meat on you little ass, sister... you need to fix it." I say giving her a little smile, and she start to talk again.  
"Yeah this is her way to deal with the fact that I can wear her pants, but she can't slip into mine. Anyways... we can take a certain amount of clothes with us so, every time, we have this kind of competition to get dressed you know-" She is saying this when I interrupt her again-  
"And this is why I'm always the well dressed one." I say.  
"Tegan if she noticed that we switch clothes it's because sometimes I kick your ass, get over it." She says laughing.  
"Oh no little sister, it's not you, it's alcohol." I say giggling.  
"Oh my God you prefer to say that you're a drunkard rather than your little sister could beat you?" she says laughing.  
"But that's the truth, you can only beat me if I have huge hangovers or if I'm sick." I say to her.  
"Oh fine, I will take you out every night then." She says poking my arm with her fingers.  
"So this is it, we took few clothes so we get the chance to fight, and now I can drink with her every night." I say laughing, and giving her a grin.

"So the next question." The guy says.

"Hi Tegan, Hi Sara... I'm Susan." The girl says.  
"Hi Susan." We say contemporaneously.  
"Hi... my question is kind of personal." She says, and Sara and I look at each other. "You know, I have a twin sister too but we see each other just a couple of times a year, and sometimes it's kind of hard. Most of the time I'm ok, but other times I really miss her. Like... I really really miss her. You spend so much time together and so, how is when you are apart?" She says shyly. We look at each other and then I speak.  
"You know... it's kind of complicated. Lately we're doing well in this relationship; otherwise we wouldn't have made it here. And, yeah, we spend a lot of time together mostly due to work. And with work, things are great. But we are sisters so, sometimes we manage to fight over stupid things. It doesn't happen very often, but sometimes is just, like we HAVE to fight. I don't know, maybe it's just a way to vent. Like... yesterday we fought about..." I look for a moment at her. "I can't even remember what. But after that I felt relieved. And... about the distance... I can't wait to put some distance between us. God... I can love her for a couple of weeks, a month maybe, but then I remember how much I hate her." I say jokingly.  
"Yeah she talks like that now, but every time we have to go home, she calls me on skype every day for weeks 'cose she misses me. And I have to admit that I miss her." She says looking me into the eyes. "Sometimes I really miss her, and it's strange... I mean, you spend months waking up, and seeing a familiar face and talking to her, and suddenly you get up and you want someone to talk to, and she's not near you anymore. And that's kind of sad." She's still looking at me, and I feel flattered from her words, and I feel the exact same thing. Sometimes I really miss her too. She continues. "But, I think it's better to be apart. Our work has benefited our lives too... I mean... if we had been stayed together, I probably would never have had a life of my own." She says now looking at the guy in front of us.  
"And plus... if we had been stayed together probably we would have ripped the skin off each other." I say laughing.

- The rest of the interview went like that, some funny question and other more classic ones. Nothing really interesting, and the both of them became bored near the end of the interview. When it was over they took the car, had a lunch together, and then they went directly to the venue. -

_Sara P.O.V_

"Oh God this place is so nice." Tegan says when we arrive.  
"Yeah, I hope they have nice couch too, I'm so tired." I say, and it's true. I haven't slept that much, and I need a rest, and we have a couple of free hours in front of us.  
"Let's see." She says smirking. We enter through a back door and there are fans are in line already. Tegan follows the guy that is leading us to the dressing room. The place is nice, and I dive onto the couch. A moment later I feel Tegan's weight on me. She's sitting on my butt.  
"Jesus Christ Tegan, you are breaking me... fucking stand up." I say to her, but not too seriously.  
"Weren't you the big macho sister who could kick my ass? Give up!" She says with a grin.  
"Fuck off Tegan." I say, trying to punch her, a hard task from my position.  
"Give up!" She says laughing and bouncing on me.  
"You're hurting meeeeeee!" I yell, but it's impossible not to laugh at her childish behaviour.  
"Then, just give up." She says teasing.  
"Ok ok I give up." I say almost without breath.  
"Good girl, don't forget this lesson." She says standing up and slapping my butt. As soon her weight it's off of me, I turn and give her a slight kick on her thigh.  
"Asshole." I say to her with a smile.  
"Give me space." She says to me, and I give her the middle finger. I laugh at the thought of how childish we look right now.  
"Mmmm you never learn." She says, and slowly sitting where my legs are. I have enough time to raise them up, and the second she sits, I put them on her lap. She smiles at me, and I smile back. She's may be acting strangely lately, but I'm glad to have these kinds of stupid moments with her.  
"You should take a nap. You look horrible." She says to me grinning.  
"Really, maybe you should look into the mirror before talk." I say to her. But I close my eyes. A few moments later I feel Tegan fingertips on my legs, and after an initial jolt of surprise, I relax under her touch.

_Tegan P.O.V._

I can't believe I'm touching her. I mean... I think I never did a thing like that. Her jeans are rolled up, so I can touch her skin. And I find it incredibly soft. I can feel her tense for a second then relax again. I draw random figures on the little bit of skin I can touch. She's so skinny, her ankles seem so fragile. I trace her bones there, lightly. Then I move my fingers up to meet her jeans, and for a single moment, I imagine how the rest of her skin could feel under my touch. I blush at the thought and it scares me. _What the fuck are you thinking?_ A soft sound escapes Sara tearing me from my thoughts. I look up at her face. She's asleep and her face is relaxed. She has no masks on her face right now, and no walls inside of her. And looking at this defenseless, frail side, I think at how beautiful she truly is.

I lean my hands on her legs rubbing her skin with my thumb, then I bend my head back, and lean it on the back of the couch, closing my eyes. A moment later I fall asleep too.

_Sara P.O.V._

I woke up an hour later. Tegan has her hands on my legs, one is resting on my skin, the other one it's on my knee. This new kind of contact make me blush, and it's strange because the last night I was sleeping in her arms, and now I'm embarrassed at the feel of her hand on my skin. I smile at the thought. I can feel the veil of sweat that is created in the place where her hand is resting on my leg. I gently sit, and take her hands to move off my legs without waking her. I stand up, and go to the bathroom to refresh my face. Then I go back in the room to find something to drink.

I have a drink in my hand when I see the door open. Ted looks inside quietly, and when he sees me, I see a big smile forming on his face. He entesr the room, and come towards me looking at Tegan on his way.

"Hey, I'm glad you two have sorted things out." He says with a smile. I raise my right eyebrow in confusion.  
"I mean I hope you have. It's just that yesterday there was tension between you two. And now... you looked so peaceful few moment ago." He says. I know he cares about us. He is sensitive and he has known and toured with us for a long time, and he knows when something is not right.  
"Yeah we had a little fight yesterday but... it's all ok now." I say smiling to him.  
"I think it's better if we wake her, we have the sound check in less than an hour." He says reaching for the couch.  
"Wait." I say to him. He looks at me, and I know I have a kind of devilish smile on my face. I go near the couch, and I put a hand over Tegan's mouth, and with the other hand I close her nose. Ted looks at me with surprise for a second, and then he start to laugh as silently as possible. It's a matter of seconds before Tegan start to move under my hands. She's not completely awake when I withdraw my hands. She opens her eyes as she breathes heavily.  
"Oh my God what the fuck happened?" She says looking at us. "I felt like I was choking." She adds, but her breath was normal again, and she stretches her arms.  
"Maybe a nightmare." I say, she looks at me, and I move my hands teasingly in front of her, and then I look at Ted, and he explodes in a loud laugh. Tegan looks back at me with surprise, and then she stand up, and poke my hands with hers.  
"Hey kids, recreation is over." Ted says looking at us, smiling. "Get ready." He winks at us.

- The sound check went easily. The atmosphere was cheerful, and all the little things were fixed. And then the time of the show came, where everyone took their places on stage. The crowd was warm, and they greeted them, and went straight for a couple of songs. -

_Tegan P.O.V._

"Soooooo guys... how are you doing?" I ask to the crowd, and they respond by cheering.  
"How about you?" A guy shoot when the voices go down. My sister and I both laugh.  
"Well, it's all great... and it's a fortune that no one asked us yesterday." I say smiling.  
"WHY?" A girl voice come out from the audience.  
"Yeah..." This time Sara is talking. "Yesterday... like Ted said to me few hours ago... there was tension between the two of us." She says looking at me.  
"You're simplifying it..." I say grinning. "You know... the truth is that we had a fight. You know... It wasn't something physical. No one threw things toward the other." I'm saying when Sara interrupts me.  
"Just because I had nothing at hand." She says, and the crowd laughs at her words.  
"Yeah you know, I can see when she's pissed of, so when I see that shit is coming, I hide everything." I say, and they laugh back again.  
"Anyway, it was something emotional and not physical. And it's worse because, you know, you give a punch, and you know exactly what are you doing, and how much time it will take to heal... but with words and emotion... sometime you just... say things that hurt someone." I take a little pause, and the people are looking at me. "So... maybe I said something that had hurt Sara." I say looking at her, she smiles back and takes the floor.  
"You could remove the MAYBE." She says laughing.  
"No no wait, you started everything." I say looking at her. "You started to act all bitchy." I say smiling. "Sara can be.. extremely bitchy." I say to the crowd, and they laugh. The voices go loud when Sara says, "That's true," smiling.  
"Anyway... at some point we were sat on my bed in the hotel room, and we were both crying because we were sorry, and we fell asleep." I say, and a loud  
"Awwww" rises from the crowd.  
"Yeah it was sweet but you know... I can be bitchy, but she managed to be bitchy even in her sleep, she kicked me out of the bed." Sara says grinning at me.  
"Yeah that true... but when I'm asleep I can't control my hatred feelings. You know I can try to love you, but when my mind is out, I can't control myself." I say to her, and the crowd is laughing again. Sometimes stupid comments would come out from the audience, but we ignore them.  
"Oh, that means that you have no brain at all then, you act like a jerk most of the time." Sara says laughing at me.  
"It's just because you are rude." I give her a smirk, and people laugh again.  
"By the way... now I have her footprint on my ass, and that how most of our fight ends. With some butt kicked." Sara says smiling at the crowd.  
"Hey, I've marked you, you should be proud." I said teasing her.  
"Oh yeah, you know, I've planned to get it tattooed on my ass before it fades away." She says, and the people cheer louder.  
"Yeah, a permanent mark, like a cow." I laugh loudly in the microphone.  
"So, the next song is for my sweet little cow..." I smile at her, and she smiles me back.

- The show was great. They bantered, and talked to the crowd and had fun. When they went off of stage, the moral was high. There was no time to go out. An hour after the show they were on the road again. -

Sara is taking a quick shower into the small bus bathroom. The guys and I, we are all in the main room, drinking and watching TV. When she comes out from the bathroom, she joins us and takes a seat near me.

"Hey little cow." John says to her. And we all laugh.  
"Fuck you." She says smiling at him.  
"At least, she doesn't smell like one." I say turning, and smiling at her.  
"Oh thank you." She says in a teasing tone.

After a couple of hours, we are all in our bunks. I take my laptop, and respond to some emails then I start to surf the net, and suddenly I'm on the familiar site again.

_Ahahahahaha I knew it was going to be like that._ There are some gifs about our yesterday's show. And on the Quincest tag they are going crazy for the things we said, and the way I gazed at Sara. But obviously, the best thing for them, was me, taking her by the hand. I can't believe how many notes there are. They really really like that. Not just the people from the Quincest tag, but the people on the main tag too. In a way or another, they all like when we are sweet to each other.

There is this quote from the show. -I have to take care of my messy sister you know... I don't know what she would do without me.- And somebody commented "Someone should be write something about this."

_So, they write things about us..._ I wondered. I'm kind of curious and scared at the same time. Anyway, I take a look at the main tag where people posted a couple of our videos. Looking at the videos I can say that Sara was a little tense yesterday, and I remembered all the things happened and I smile. I hop off of my bunk and go to the bathroom. I brush my teeth, and on my way back, I stop near Sara's bunk. I open the curtains, and she's there, asleep. She's breathing softly, and suddenly I feel the need to touch her. She looks so sweet, and I just need to touch her. I gently touch her cheek with my fingertips. She's so warm and soft.

"Jesus Christ Tegan," she yelled, "What the fuck are you doing?" she says to me, her tone now it's almost a whisper.  
"I'm sorry. I-I." I'm trying to say something, but she cut me off.  
"You scared the shit out of me." She says, and now she's smiling a little.  
"I... just... I heard you... you were groaning, I thought you had a nightmare." I lied, but I can feel the heat on my cheeks, I'm blushing violently.  
"Oh..." She says, but I know she's not buying it. "Well, now I'm ok, you can go back to your bad." She says smiling a little. I feel a little embarrassed, but when I turn to go a feel her hand on my arm.  
"Thank you Tee." She says. I smile back at her, and then I go to my bunk, I turn off the laptop, and find a comfy position on the bed. The last thing on my mind is the feeling of Sara's skin under my fingers.


	4. The soft touch

**A/N**_  
I'm not so sure about this chapter, I'm not completely satisfied with this but I hope you like it.  
The FF mentioned in this chapter it's __**Potato Shaker**__ by BobSince1934. I really enjoyed that story ahahaha.  
Sorry again for my English._

**Chapter 4: The Soft Touch**

_Tegan POV:_

I'm in my bunk with my laptop checking some emails. I can hear the others in the main space of the of bus playing Scrabble. I know that because they're trying so hard to pick up sexual words, and every time a good one come up, they laugh. I know that Sara is winning, she always does, and I can hear her sweet giggles. Every time she laughs, I feel a warm sensation in my chest. It's so strange and comforting at the same time. Lately I start to enjoy her presence even more, to pay attention to her every move. She's really sweet and I can feel the joy into my heart every time she smiles at me.  
Anyways, I click few links on my laptop, and the familiar site appears. I'm curious to see if they say something about our latest show.  
And there it is... a lot of gifs about our banter, about all the cow things. I look at all the gifs with attention, and I lose myself looking at Sara. She's so sweet, and her eyes so beautiful. I didn't notice when we were on stage, but she blushed really hard when I dedicated the last song to her. And I see a lot of gifs of her looking at me. She looks at me with the sweetest expression I've ever seen on her face. I was singing with my eyes closed so I didn't see anything, and I have to admit that I'm glad about that. Even if they are only gifs, her look takes my breath away. How could someone look at me so lovingly,? Why does SHE look at me like that? I don't know, but I would pay gold to see actually her looking at me like that. I just want to stand up and go to the table and hug her.

- Tegan didn't notice that the boys had finished their game and that Sara was going to her. Sara opened the curtains without a word. -

"Jesus Christ," I say, closing my laptop abruptly.  
"Shit Tegan, take it easy," Sara giggles, sitting near me, "What were you doing?"  
"Nothing, just answering few mails," I say, putting the laptop aside.

Sara looks at me intently. I know she's not buying it, I mean, she know I wouldn't react like that just for mails. But she scared me and I didn't want her to catch me as I was looking at gifs of her. And I think I was even blushing because of my thoughts. My god I think I'm blushing right now too. Maybe this is why she's looking at me like that. She giggles a little.

"Do you need something Sara?" I ask to her, maybe I say that with a little to harsh tone because her smile fades away.  
"I'm going out for lunch, do you wonna come?" she asks to me, even if I've ruined her mood and now she sounds little annoyed.  
"No, I'm not very hungry," I say to her, I don't really know why I'm reacting like that, maybe I was just little taken aback by her intrusion but I know I'm sounding a little bitchy in this moment.  
She stand up from my bed and take a few steps. Then she turns again.  
"We have to be at that radio station soon, get ready," she says to me, then she turns to go out of the bus. I follow her with my eyes, her shoulders are leaning forward and that makes her look unhappy and it makes me feel bad. Then she's out.

I take my laptop again, even if I'm not more in the mood for those kind of things. But as soon as I open it, Sara's sweet smile, her red cheeks and her loving look, are here again, and I feel even worse because I know I pissed her off just a moment ago. I'm so mesmerized by those images that I can't shut all off. I just keep watching them, smiling. After few minutes, I click on the familiar tag. I slide to look at pictures, I don't really want to read things right now, I just want to see her. I found a couple of gifs, in one, she's taking off her jacket during a concert. I just look at her then at the keyboards and then at her again, pointing her with my index finger. She's doing that face, an embarrassed smile. She looks so sweet when she's embarrassed for things like that. I know she feels a little awkward when in some way the attention is brought on her. But she's so beautiful and cute with that expression on her face.  
There is this other set of three gifs where I took her forearm and waved her hand to someone, then I lose the grip just to take her hand for a moment. Then she grabbed me by my arm to take me away. It's a simple act but it's kinda of cute.  
The last is a gif from I don't know what interview, I put my hand on her shoulder and rub it. When I touched her, for a moment she had this smile on her face, a really sweet smile as she looked at me. And then her smile faded away but the corner of her lips are still up giving her this nice expression.  
I guess I look at that gif for a long time, then my eyes slide down to a link, and I know it's about one of those stories they write about us. There is nothing specific about the contents of the story but I decide to open the link anyway.

- She started to read the story, it's a short one and soon Tegan found herself laughing hard at the story that talks about a potato shaker. -

Oh my God, this is not very long but it's killing me. It talks about Sara asking me to sign her a potato shaker, but I have to carry it into my pants for one day. I know that the assumptions are strange, but the story is very funny because the shaker she gives to me it's a vibrator indeed, and she can control it with a remote. And of course she decides to have fun with me during an interview. I feel like I should be disgusted or embarrassed, but it's all so strange and out of mind and funny that I don't really feel angry or disgusted at all. It's just so hard to think that a thing like that could really happens that I can't feel related to it even if our names are in the story. But it's funny. It's really funny.

_Sara POV:_I don't really know why she reacted like that. I mean, I know I opened her bunk abruptly but she looked like she was hiding something, what she was doing with her laptop? She blushed when she saw me but I guess It's none of my business. And I'm sorry I pissed her off, but why she has to be like that? I know I'm the one who normally push away but lately I tried so hard to not to do that because of all the things she started to say and do and, I don't know. I knew that getting too close to her would create this kind of situation where I feel like a shit because of her behavior. It's not at all her fault. I know she's like that, and she's acting normally, but I downed my guard for a moment and something that usual, it's now hurting me. Why was I so stupid to let her in? And now she's hiding things to me. I know that she doesn't have to tell me every single thing about her life, and I know she keeps things for herself, but they are things that I don't even know exist. Seeing her lying to me and knowing she's hiding something, hurts me.

- Sara walked for quite some time before enter a coffee shop, she wasn't hungry anymore so she took just a cup of coffee. She thought about her sister and about how easily a thing like the one just happened, hurt her. She didn't know what to do. She thought about pushing away her sister again, but she didn't know if she was able to do that. Even if all started just few days ago, she loved every second of the new closeness between herself and Tegan, but the thought that she was now falling even more for her, was scaring the shit out of her. Were around 2 PM when she went back to the bus. -

_Tegan POV:_

I see the door of the bus opens as I took the last piece of sandwich into my mouth. I see Sara enter the bus. She looks at me for a moment and nods her head to say 'hi' then she goes to the bathroom. When she comes back, I look at her with a weak smile. I don't know why but I feel a little awkward, and I feel this strange tension in the room that makes me feel uncomfortable. Her attitude doesn't help very much, she doesn't even try a smile. She just take a seat on the couch and close her eyes.

"Are you ok?" I ask to her when I can't stand the silence anymore.  
"Yeah, I'm just tired," she said without even open her eyes.  
"It's good that we have a day off tomorrow," I say, and she just nod again, "do you have plans for tomorrow?" I ask, I was thinking about spend some time with her but I don't really know if she's in the right mood.  
"I think I will sleep aaaaaaall day," she says, wrinkling her nose. And even if that isn't the answer I hoped to hear, I can't hold a smile at her cute face. I'm glad she has her eyes closed.  
"And you? Any plans?" she asks to me. I think at the answer for a minute.  
"It's in days like this that I miss Linds. I would hang out with her," I paused for a moment looking at Sara as she frown letting out a little sigh, "I was thinking about spending some time with my sister but she have other more exciting plans apparently," she turns to me for a moment, looking at me in the eyes, then she just stand up from the couch.  
"We need to go," she says walking toward the door.

_Sara POV:_

I hadn't thought about Lindsey for some time, and hear Tegan talking about her doesn't help me. That make me think about Stacy, and I feel bad. I have a girlfriend, a lovingly woman that is waiting for me, and all I can think about it's my sister. It's not fucking fair. But I can't help it. And, what the hell, my sister has a girlfriend too. And she chased her for a long time, she will never leave her. She loves Lindsey so much that she can't do a thing like that. Shit, I really like her too and I don't want Tegan to hurt her. I need to keep my shit together before I ruin all.

"Hey, wait," I hear Tegan shoot from the bus. I wait for her even if my mood it's now really low.

When she's by my side we walk toward the radio station that isn't far from where the bus is parked.

"You know, I love to play acoustically," she says, and I turn to her and find a little smile on her face.  
"Yes, me too," I say "it reminds me of the beginning, when it was just you and me and our guitars," and I know I'm smiling remembering of the old times. At the corner of my eyes I see that she's looking at me, smiling back. I'm glad that the atmosphere it's lighted up a little.  
"We used to fight a lot at the time," she says giggling. I chuckle along with her.  
"Yes, we were young, hormonal teenagers," I say then I look at her "you still are, sometimes," and I start to laugh, and she smiles.  
"I'm in good company I guess," she says looking at me and shoving me lightly. I smile back to her.

When we enter the station, we find our manager waiting for us with some guys from the station. They lead us to this little room where we will have this little interview and we're suppose to sing a couple of songs. There is a cute little girl at the microphone, and when she sees us, she waves in our direction. She finishes to talk in the microphone and the guy let us enter the room. Some song is playing while she greets us and take the time to talk a little with us. She makes us feel comfortable almost instantly and it's a good thing.  
When the music stops, the girl, whose name was Annabeth, presents us to the audience, explaining that we are here to sing a couple of songs acoustically and she thanks us to be here.

"Thank you for having us," I say in the mic.  
"Yes, thank you. We are glad to have the chance to play something to you. Just few minutes ago we were talking about how this kind of things makes us think about the beginning of our career," Tegan start to say, "and some times I miss those times, just me and Sara and our guitars," she smiles at me and I know I'm blushing a little.  
"Yes, I miss it too, even if you used to hit me often in that period," I say giggling.  
"Hey, I was a teenager, It was my way to show my love to you," she says laughing, and Annabeth laughs with her.

– The little interview went very well, they had fun and laughed a lot, and Annabeth asked few clever question and Tegan and Sara were satisfied about the whole thing. They moved to the stools at the other side of the room. There were a couple of guitars, a keyboard and... -

_Tegan POV:_

When I see the shaker, I can't hold a loud laugh. I'm happy that we are not on air in this moment. We will be on air in a couple of minutes and I don't know if I can stop myself. I mean, it's a potato shaker, and all I can think about it's that damn story. I take it into my hand and shake it a little, still laughing.

"What?" I hear Sara's voice. I look in her direction and she's looking at me questioningly, but with a smile on her face.  
"It's nothing, I'll tell you later," I say to her, even if I don't really know what I could say. But probably she will forget in the meantime.  
"Ready?" calls Annabeth. We look at her smiling and she's smiling at us too.

From the glass we see this guy that makes a countdown from three with his fingers. We are on air again and we are ready to play. We sing a couple of song and when the time to play the shaker comes, I can't hide the big smile forming on my face. I look at Sara, she starting to play the first chords of the song. She closes her eyes and takes a couple of deep breath. She bend her head back, exposing her neck, and when she starts to sing, I can see the tendons on her neck and the only thing I can think about is how beautiful she is when she loses herself into a song. Then the moment I have to enter the song with the shaker, arrives. I smile for a moment and almost laugh as I remember the story. I think I'm even blushing at the memories. I look back at Sara and I don't even really notice that I'm beating my lips until my eyes meet hers. And I see her blush a little as she turns her head away closing her eyes again. I feel the heat on my cheeks too. For a moment I feel embarrassed, but then the wide smile it's on my face again. We finish with the session in the station, and spend a few minutes talking with Annabeth while some songs are playing, she says to us that we did a great job and the tone she has, tells us that she really means it.

_Sara POV:_

We leave the station and head back to the bus. I receive a message from Ted.

"Hey, they are going to a club for a drink, he's asking if we want to join them," I say to Tegan, she looks at me for a few seconds.  
"I don't know, we have a day off tomorrow but we need to leave early tonight," she says to me. It's strange, because she rarely lose the chance to get wasted.  
"I don't know about you, but I'm starving, I didn't eat anything today," I say, and she looks at me questioningly. I just smile at her. We walk silently for a couple of minutes.  
"Well, seen that you have those great and exciting plans for tomorrow, maybe we can spend some time together tonight," she says turning her face to me and smiling.

Her smile is so sweet that she just takes my breath away for a moment. I turn away from her and suddenly the image of Tegan biting her lips looking at me, it on my mind. I hear the she sighs when I don't say anything. I look at her and she looks more sad than upset. For a second I think about what I have said to myself just few hours ago, about her hurting me so easily. But how can I say no to her? Not when she has that look on her face.

"What do you think about Chinese food and a movie?" I say to her, and when she turns to me, I smile widely and her expression light up. She had this happy childish look on her face that makes my heart melt. And all of my thought and consideration goes away.  
"Sounds great," she simple says. I text back to Ted letting them know we are not joining them. We walk again for few minutes, then, absentmindedly I start to talk.  
"What was that with the shaker?" I ask, without looking at her. She loses a step and starts to giggle lightly.  
"Nothing, it's just that..." she pauses for a moment, as she was trying to remember something, "do you remember when we sold those potato shaker for charity?" she asks to me.  
"Yeah," I say simply, looking at her for a moment.  
"Tonight I had this weird dream where you asked me to sign a potato shaker to you," she says to me and starts to laugh.  
"And how it's that funny?" I ask to her not really understanding.  
"Oh c'mon Sara. You are my sister and we are in this band together and you asked me for a signed shaker," she says, and I start to laugh when she does a strange face.  
"Yeah but I REALLY am a big fan of you, you know," I say teasingly. Even if in a way, it's true. I really love her music and her songs. We laugh together then I look at my watch, and even if I'm hungry, it's just 5 PM, so too soon for dinner.  
"Hey, I need to take a shower, do you want to come back with me, or I'll see you later?" I ask to her. She looks at me and give me a smile.  
"I think I'll go for a coffee, see you later ok?" she says, and I simple nod to her and go toward the bus.

I take my time to do all the things I need to do. I take a long shower, and while the warm water hit my body, I think about all the thing that happened lately. I think about Tegan, Lindsey and Stacy. I don't really know what I want, and all this thing makes me feel bad and hurt, so I simply decide to enjoy the upcoming night without thinking at all. When I come out from the shower, I find that half an hour had passed. I have time before Tegan comes back to the bus to go out, so I'll take a book and go to my bunk with a mug of coffee.

_Tegan POV:_

Oh my God, when she asked me about the shaker, I panicked for a moment. But it's nothing compared with what I felt when she didn't say anything about my offer to spend some time together. I know she usually pushes me away, but in the last few days she was so close to me that, I don't know, it's like I was already getting used to have her closer. It's a strange thing but I really like it. I love to have the chance to feel her close to me, even in a physical way. Her warmth it's so comforting, it makes me feel like I'm at home even if I'm on the other face of the planet.

- Tegan walked around for more than an hour without even knowing it. She was thinking about her sister and, as always, about food. Then she found herself near a bookstore and entered it without thinking. -

This place is so nice, Sara would love it. It like an antique store, full of very old books. The smell of the old stories fills my nostril almost instantly. I start to take a look around, some of the books look really old, some others not that old. There is even a section with brand new books but most of the shelves are full of first editions and rarities.

"May I help you?" says someone behind me. I turn to face the source of the voice. There stand an old man, with big blue and pure eyes. It seems so simple and kind, with his big and gentle smile.  
"No I'm just taking a look around," I say to him, smiling back.  
"Ok, I'm right there if you need anything," he says, pointing to the counter near the cash.  
"Thank you very much," I say and turn to the shelves again. After something like ten minutes, I have an idea and I go to the man.  
"Excuse me?" I ask to him. He turns to me and smiles without a word.  
"I'm looking for a first edition of The Hotel New Hampshire, do you have a copy?" I ask, it's not such a old book so I don't know if I'm in the right place but why don't try?  
"Let me see," he says, and I look at him as he searches in his computer, "oh yes, wait a moment."  
I see him disappear between the shelves and come back a few minutes later with a book in his hand.  
"It's your lucky day, miss," he says smiling and I smile back.  
I pay for the book and he put it into a bag and hands it to me.  
"Thank you very much," I say to the man, and when I open the door I hear him says "Have a nice day." and I smile.

I took the book from the bag and open it. The pages have this cream color that became like a dirty shade of yellow near the edge. The pages are thick and rough and I love how they feel under my fingertips. I put it closer to my face a take a deep breath. I love the smell of old books, they smell like mold, dust and old memories. And I know that Sara loves it even more than me. This is one of her favorites books and I hope she'll like it.

I look at my phone and see that it's 7 PM almost. I have at least 20 minutes of walk, but I saw a Chinese restaurant on the way so I send a message to Sara.

_I'm a little late, I'm sorry. But I see a Chinese on the way, tell me what you want and I will take it, my treat._

Five minutes later I feel the vibration in my pocket.

_Sara POV:_

It's 7:40 PM when Tegan comes back with the food. She set the food on the table and I see she's leaving a bag on the couch, it's looks like from a bookstore. My ODC kick in for a moment but I ignore it.

"What have you bought?" I ask to her.  
"Nothing, I just finished the few books I had with me so I took something. I don't even remember the title," she says to me, and I look at her questioningly, I know that's not true. She just takes the bag and put it in her bunk.  
When she comes back, she goes to the little shelves with the DVDs.  
"What you wonna watch?" she asks to me.  
"You choose, maybe something funny..." I say and start to chew a piece of chicken even if I know it Tegan's.  
"Hey," she yells smiling when she turn and sees me stealing her food. I stick out my tongue at her.

She takes her food and goes to take a seat on the couch, then she pat the spot next to her. I reach her and sit as she takes the remote and start the DVD.  
Half way in the movie, we both have finished our food, so I stand up and put the boxes in the trash. She paused the movie.

"Hey, can you give me a minute? I have to go to the bathroom," she asks to me, and goes away.

I go back to the bunk area and take a blanket. I sit again on the couch and stretch my legs on a chair, then I put the blanket on me. Less then ten minutes later, I see Tegan exits the bathroom. She's now in her pajamas. I'm already in mine because I changed when I received her text. I see her going back to her bunk and coming with the bag from the book store.

"Don't you want to watch the movie anymore?" I ask her surprised. She looks at me with a big smile.  
"No, no. It's just, this is for you. I found it in a little book store and I know I'm not that much of a liar. I saw how you looked at me when I said I had finished my books," she laughs. I look at her a little shocked. I didn't expect that from her. She offered me the dinner and now this. She looks at me worried and I notice her look.  
"I'm sorry, it's just, this is so strange," I say trying to laugh. She hands me the bag.  
"I know, but some times I need to remind you that I'm not that bad as a sister," she says smiling.  
"I've never said that," I say looking at her.  
"No, but some times you act as it's like that," she says, and as I look at her, I can feel she regrets what she have just said. The worried look on her face, makes me soften the little upset expression I know I have on my face.  
"I know," I say smiling. She sits near me as I open the bag. I look at her with wide eyes. It's a first edition of one of my favorites books.  
"Tegan..." I say, but I don't really know what to say, I'm just like paralyzed.  
"Do you like it? It's one of your fav-" she is saying, and her words die into her throat when I hug her tightly. She froze for a moment and then she hug me back. I enjoy the warmth of her body.  
"Thank you Tee, this is my favorite book, thank you, thank you, thank you," I say as I squeeze her body even more.  
"But... why? You didn't need..." I don't even know what I want to say.  
"I know, but I found this little store, and I thought about you and, I don't know... I just bought it," she says and I feel she's smiling even if I can't see her.  
"Thank you Tee," I say again, pulling away. I look at her for few seconds then I kiss her on the cheek. She looks at me with this blank expression that worries me, but then she smiles widely.  
"If I had known that he would have this effect on you, I would have bought you gifts more often," she says laughing, and I laugh with her poking her arm. I put the book on the table and Tegan takes the remote and press play again.

After less the 15 minutes I she that she's half asleep even if it's not that late.

"Do you want to go to sleep?" I ask to her, she looks at me with her sleepy expression, and I giggle a little.  
"What?" she asks, rubbing her eyes with her hands.  
"You're so cute when you're sleepy," I say looking at her. She looks at me for a moment than she pout and make that puppy eyes face.  
"Really?" she says, and I smile at her caressing her face laughing a little.

I gently rub my thumb in her cheek while my hand is resting on her jawline. Suddenly her expression turns serious again as our eyes lock. I can feel my pulse fastener as she takes my hand in hers. She kisses the back of my hand a couple of times and then she just leans in to place a sweet kiss on my forehead.

"I can watch a little more," she just says.

She lies down with her head on my legs and turn her head to the TV. She takes one of my hands and place it on her chest, at the height of her heart. I can feel her heart beating, and I'm glad she can't feel my own beating fast. A couple of minutes later I feel her breathe steady so I suppose she's fell asleep. I start to play with her hair with my other hand, it so relaxing to feel her hair slipping between my fingers. Slowly I start to caress her cheek with my fingertips, I trace her jawline up and down from her ear to her chin a couple of times. I caress her eyebrows and study her dark eyelids for a moment. Then I touch the tip of her nose with my index finger. She wrinkle her nose for a moment and I giggle lightly. Then I look at her lips, at her labret and back at her lips, they look so soft. My heart is beating that fast that I'm worried I can wake her. I trace her lips with my fingers, barely touching them. But my heart jump when she opens her eyes. I look at her and for a moment, while my fingers are still on her soft skin, our eyes meet. I can't breath anymore as I withdraw both of my hands abruptly, I know she's going to hit me or something. But nothing comes, instead she smiles to me. One of the sweetest smiles I've ever seen.

_Tegan POV:_

I was half asleep when I felt a gentle touch on my face. For a single moment, I think it's Lindsey. But it's just for a moment, then I wake completely and remember where I am and with whom. I know that is Sara the one touching me. And I'm surprised with how much gentleness she's touching my skin. I feel her hands on my cheeks and on my nose, and then, on my lips. It's so strange and my mind start to run. I don't know if it's because I'm not sure if she should touch me like that, or because I WANT her to touch me like that. Her touch sends shocks directly to my core.  
I open my eyes even if I am a little scared to see in Sara's eyes. She freeze for a moment and when our eyes meet, her hand is still on my lips, then she withdraw her hands abruptly. I blush violently, but I'm not the only one, her face is red and I find fear in her eyes. And guilty. I'm so scared that for a moment I think about leave her like that, struggling with her thought just to ease mine. But I can't. I don't want her to feel bad for something that doesn't hurt me, or disgust me, or make me mad. Indeed, I'm want to feel her like this, even if it's strange to my mind.  
So, the only thing that come up to my mind, it's to smile. And I do, I smile to her, with all of my heart, to let her know that she doesn't have to worry for what she was doing. That I'm still here and I'm not going to run away from her or hate her. Her expression soften and she smiles back to me. I reach out for her hand and put it on my heart again, and I know she can feel it's beating a little faster. She smiles a little more and then she places a soft kiss on the tip of my nose. Then her other hand is again in my hair, gently massaging my scalp. Her attention is again on the TV and I know that it's because this is a little too much for her, she feels embarrassed, and I can even see a couple of tears fall from her eyes.  
I put one of my hands on top of hers, on my chest, and with the other, I wipe away the tears from her face, causing her to look at me again. I hold my hand on her jawline and with my thumb I touch the little scar under her bottom lip. When I do so, she smiles and I smile whit her, we are both blushing, but her face turn tomato red when I look at her lips and let my thumb touch them, lightly and slowly. I see her frown a little, and feel her breath become short as I slip my hand at the back of her neck. I play for her short hair for almost a minute, the longest of my life, while I study her face, while I fight with all the feelings I have inside. I tighten the grip on the hand on my chest as I push her hand a little more, and now I am sure she feels it's beating. I know she can feel it running like if he wants to escape my chest. I blush again because I know that she knows the effect she has on me, she knows what she's doing to me and how she makes me feel. I can see her eyes widen as her gaze goes to our hands on my chest and then back into mine.  
I have so many feelings inside in this moment but there is only one thing that I know certainly: I don't want to go away from her, I don't want to run away from this feeling, from her touch. And I want to taste her lips, to feel how soft they are. I start to pull her in with my hand that is still on the nape of her neck. For a moment she tense and put resistance, but it's just a second, then I see her eyes slowly slip at my lips, than back. She licks her lips looking at me, and in her eyes I can read that she's scared that I could regret this. I look at her and smile a little as I raise my head to meet her half way. My eyes go to her lips, and when her breath start to tingle my lips, I close them.

As my lips brush against her, the sound of the door opening tears us out from our moment.  
Sara tense and jolt, withdrawing herself from me violently and causing me to fall from the couch. She stand up and run to her bunk, I look at her shocked.

"Hey, what are you doing on the floor?" I heard Ted voice coming from the door. I turn to look at him.  
"I think I turn into my sleep and fell from the couch," I try to smile even if in this moment I hate them so much. I know that they interrupted us in the worst moment possible, with our lips almost touching but without giving us the chance to actually... shit I can't even say that. It would have been easier if it had happened. But now, like this, I just feel awkwardness build into me. They tore us apart leaving us with just question, fear and insecurity.

"Good night," I say to them without even looking at them. I go toward the bunks and stop near Sara's.  
"Good night, Sara," I say, and even if I tried a sweet voice, I can't hide the worry. And when she doesn't say anything. I feel my heart drop when I hear the muffled sobs coming from her bunk.  
"Good night," I say again softly, but for the second time, the only answer are the little sobs.  
I go to my bunk trying to hold back my own tears.


	5. Nothing to be sorry about

**A/N**

I feel bad about this chapter. Not because of what happens but... I don't know... maybe I don't like how I wrote it down.  
Let me knoooooooow... leave a review :)

**Chapter 5: nothing to be sorry about**

_Tegan POV:_

When I woke up the next morning, Sara was still in her bunk. For the entire day she just came to the front to take a mug of coffee or to go to the bathroom, but I haven't seen her at all aside of those moments. At some point, when she came to the front, I tried to bring her attention by clearing my throat. She was serving herself a cup of coffee and the cup slipped from her hand. When I went to help her I saw her trembling hands, and when hour hands brushed, she jerked away like she had burned herself. That hurts me so much. That was one of our days off and I wanted to spend it with her, after what happened the night before, I needed time with her, but it looked like she was too scared or ashamed and I knew that more time passed without us having a talk, the more awkward the situation would be, but she avoided me all day. I was scared I was losing her and every time my eyes saw her figure, I cursed myself for what I did, for what I let happen. I felt as it was my fault. Sometimes I found myself holding my breath when I heard sounds from her bunk, signaling the possibility of her coming out in the front. I didn't know how to feel, it was something so new, the way I was scared to see her and at the same time the need I felt to see her. It was different for everything I ever felt toward her, or anybody else for that it matter.

Three days have passed since then and things are really awkward and tense between us, and the boys sense this. She's avoiding me still, and I don't really know what to do. I hate myself for my weakness, I hate myself because I ruined things with Sara, and for what? I it's killing me not to know how she feels about this. Even if I know nothing good could be in her mind. But how I could bring up the subject when she doesn't even want to look at me? She's avoiding me like the plague.

I just want to go back and go to sleep instead of stay with her on that damn couch. Every time our eyes meet even if just for one second, I can see how ashamed she is, and how much she's regretting that night. It's like she doesn't know what to do with me, with us. Like we could break in millions of pieces if we share a single word. But I can't really stand all of this, I can't stand her avoiding me like this. We are both afraid, afraid of ourselves and afraid of the other and afraid to misunderstand what we have, and now we can't even give a name to what we have, but I think that the word that fit the most right now it's _nothing_. We are unable to be anything, we aren't sisters anymore right now.

We had a show last night and it was terrible, we didn't even banter because we felt so... I don't know, disconnected. It was like that that fucking moment a short circuit happened, and now we are not able to stand each other presence. It's like we are trying to refuse to acknowledge the existence of the other.

And this is fucking killing me. I need her so badly and at the same time I feel so embarrassed and scared, and when I look at her I can think only about our lips almost touching, and seeing her face so worried and ashamed while I have those images in my mind, makes me feel like I'm a terrible person and that that was the worst thing I could have ever done to her. This is why I can't even look at her in the eye. And I constantly ask myself if she has the same feelings. I'm the worst and most disgusting sister on the planet.

And now, we are here, we have a month break, we are at the airport with the guys, everyone waiting for their flight.

I'm going back to Vancouver, maybe I could use some time with my mom. I thought about going back to Lindsey but I can't see her now. I need a little time for myself, to think.

Sara is going to Montreal, I guess she needs her time too, this is why she's not going straight to Stacy.

She's drinking a coffee alone right now, reading a book. I can't tear my eyes off of her even if looking at her makes me feel like shit. But I'm so scared, my mind doesn't think straight and keeps telling me that maybe she will never come back from this break, she'll never come back to me. I try to shake these thoughts away but it's so hard. My heart is breaking, this could be the last time I see her.

_Sara POV:_

I know she's looking at me, I can feel her gaze burning my skin. But I can't look at her. All I ever wanted was to drown in those eyes, and taste those lips, and look where those feelings had brought us. To our end.

The morning after that, we avoided each other, yeah mostly it was me to avoid her, and then it got worse. I thought we just needed time to make the awkwardness go away, but every time I look at her, I see how scared she is, I feel like she's scared of me, or maybe she's scared of my feelings. I know she's regretting that moment, she's regretting the closeness I craved for years.

With her strange behavior lately, I thought she was, I don't know, I feel so stupid just to think about it but I thought she was growing feelings... for me. But maybe it was just my desperation. Maybe it was just me, my sick needs and desires made me see things that weren't there. And I fucked all up. I'm so stupid and now she probably hates me, or even worse, she's hating herself.

I don't know what made her act like that in that moment. For a second I thought she really wanted it, but now we barely stand each other presence, and I can feel the tension when we are in the same room. And I know the guys feel it too. I think that sometimes we both acted like we were blaming them for something that is just a problem between us. God, just to know that this is a problem, makes me feel so sad. It was my dream, my fucking sick dream, and now it's a problem, the problem that keeps me away from the only person I've ever loved completely. For years I dreamed about that moment, and now I just want to die. I would pay gold to know what she has on her mind, to know if there is any hope to be just Sara and Tegan again.

I look at her when I hear that they're calling her plane. My eyes meet hers for a moment and I see tears in those beautiful eyes, and my sight blurs when tears start to form in mine. I want to run to her so badly, to hug her, to kiss... _FUCK ME... seriously? After all the shit happened, you still have this thought, Sara?_ I can't look at her anymore, when I look at my hands I see they're shaking. I didn't know I was shaking, my whole body it's experiencing an earthquake. I look up again trying a smile but I can't. I don't know what my face could look like as I try to smile when I'm dying inside. Probably I'm ugly, but that doesn't really matter because when I look up she's gone. I haven't even waved a goodbye to her.

_Tegan POV:_

We didn't even say a goodbye. I feel dead inside and for all the flight I just stare at the seat in front of me. I don't even know if I had blinked because my eyes are burning like hell. I didn't hear the hostess when she asked me if I wanted something to eat or drink, I didn't hear the snoring from the man in the seat next to mine. I didn't hear the cry of the baby in the row behind mine.

- When she landed, she took her luggage and pass the controls like she was a robot. She didn't even know she was landed until she heard her mom calling her -

I've asked my mom if I can stay with her for a couple of days because I don't feel very well. She obviously said that there are no problems. I know I've said I need some time alone, but I don't know if I can handle an empty house. I just need someone to walk around and make some noise if I don't want my mind to kill me.

"TEGAN!" I hear my mother yell from somewhere. After few seconds I feel a hand touching my shoulder, then she hugs me tight. I didn't really know I was landed until I feel her arms around me. I hug her back and suddenly, in her familiar warmth, I start to cry.

"Tegan? What's wrong?" she asks me. 0

She push me away gently to look into my eyes, and it kills me that I can't talk with her even if I desperately wanted to. How am I suppose to tell my mother that I've almost kissed my twin sister, her other daughter? That I'm growing feelings for Sara? She will be mad and disgusted. And the more I think how much I need to let it out, the more I figure out no one would ever understand. I'm alone in this.

I just look into her eyes for a long moment, I'm sobbing and I can't say a word as my body tremble. I can't even move, and my breath it's short. I just shake my head to let her know I can't tell her.

"Come on, let's get you home," she says to me with a sympathetic smile, and rubbing my back with her and. The warmth calms me down a bit and I smile to her.

"Thank you mom," I say to her.

The ride home is silent, I see my mom looking at me at traffic lights but she doesn't ask anything. I try to smile at her from time to time but it's almost impossible for me.

When we are at home, I go straight upstairs to my childhood room as she goes to the kitchen to prepare some tea. I walk to my room leaving my suitcase near the bed. I sit on the bed and lean back slowly. I took few deep breaths before stand up again. I exit my room just to go to the door next to mine, the door of Sara's room. I look at the door for a moment, and then, with shaking hands, I open it slowly. I feel like an intruder. I know she's not here and she can't know I'm in her room, but when we were young we fought a lot for our privacy that now I feel bad doing this, like I'm not supposed to be here. I close the door behind me and take a look around, all her old posters are still here, like all her books. She used to read so much, she still does. I dive on her bed face first, hugging a pillow. My mind say to me that this could be the closer I will ever get again to Sara and with this thought, I start to cry again.

I must have fallen asleep, and I wake up with someone rubbing my back. For a single second I hope is Sara's hand the one between my shoulder blades, but I know it's not. And under the touch of my mother hand, I cry once more. I cry hard, muffling my sobs into the pillow. My mother is still here, her warm hand on my back. I don't know how much time passed but eventually, I calm down and turn my head to her, my head resting on the now wet pillow.

She smiles at me, handing me a cup of tea. I exhale a trembling breath as I sit up and take the cup from her hand.

"What's happened, darling? It's Sara, isn't it? Have you fought again?" she asks me calmly. I look at her for a moment and then at my feet. I feel the tears coming up again when I hear her name, but I fight them. I just nod, I think that if I open my mouth, I couldn't hold my tears.

A few minutes pass with her just looking at me, and me just looking at my feet, sipping my tea.

"I've lost her, mom, I've lost Sara," I say to her, and like I've thought, as soon as I open my mouth, tears start to run again. She hugs me tightly, patting gently on my back.

"Honey, she's your sister, you can't lose her, she loves you," she says to me, and I hope with all my heart that she's right, but my mind tells me that she will never talk to me again, and that makes me feel so broken. I want to follow my heart, my hopes, but my mind doesn't let me.

"M-mom, she ha-ha-hates me, I d-d-did... som-something horrible to her, s-s-she hates me," I say to her, choking on my words. She squeezes me a little before pushing away slowly.

"She called while you were asleep, she says you weren't answering her texts and she wanted to know if you landed," she says looking at me, and I look at her with big eyes, "she was worried about you," she says smiling at me, and my heart kicks my ribs.

_She worries about me, she's not hating me_...

I lie on the bed again, taking big, deep breaths. My body is still shaking and I feel physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

"Just rest, darling, take a nap, I will call you when dinner is ready," she says to me.

"Thank you mom," I say to her, shifting on my side and curling up in a fetal position on my sister bed.

It's not long before I fall asleep.

_Sara POV:_

I landed one hour ago, and I'm worried. Tegan must have landed by now but she hasn't texted me. In all of these years, it's the first time she didn't have texted me after a flight. She always texts me, even when she lands in the middle of the night, even when she is flying from her home in Vancouver to L.A. to see Lindsey. We just text each other every time we take a plane, just to let the other know that everything it's ok. This is why I'm worried... no, I'm scared. I'm scared something it's happened to her, and I'm scared she could be so mad at me, so upset, she didn't want to text me. It's killing me, the simple loss of text makes me think I've lost her, and I can't lose her.

After my third unanswered text, I don't know what to think. I call my mom.

"Hi Sara, darling, how are you?" I hear my mother voice greeting me. But it's not her typical cheering voice.

"Hi mom, I'm fine... listen... have you heard from Tegan? She didn't text me when she landed so..." I don't know what else to say, I feel a little pathetic because of my worried tone.

"Yes Sara, she's here. I picked her up from the airport. She's not doing very well, maybe she just forgot to text you," she says, and I took a moment to let the information sink in. She's ok, but she's not doing well. And I know it's my fault.

"She was exhausted and I think she's asleep right now," she says, and after a pause, "Sara what happened? She started to cry as soon as she saw me," I feel the worry in her tone, but what can I say to her?

"It's all fine mom, you know, the usual things," I say, and my guts clench at my own words, I feel like a shit for this, and for everything I've done. And I know she can feel in my tone that, NO, it's not all fine.

"Sara..." she starts, but I interrupt her.

"I need to go mom, see you soon, I love you," and with that, I hung up before she could say anything. Jesus, I feel bad even for this.

- After she had talked with her mother, she felt relieved that her sister was safe at least, even if the thought of Tegan being that mad to refuse to text to her, was hurting her. But a couple of hours later, her cell buzzed -

_- Sorry I didn't text you. I'm ok, I'm with mom. -_

I receive this text from Tegan, and even if it's cold, I'm happy she has written to me. I'm looking at the phone when it buzzes in my hand. Another text from her. I notice that my hands are shaking, and I'm holding my breath.

_- Sara... I'm really sorry... -_

I look at the text for like ten minutes. I don't really know what to say, or what to do. And my heart stop in my chest when suddenly I comprehend that I'm not sorry for what almost happened, but for the consequences of it. And I don't know if I have to feel sick of myself or what. And part of me want to know if she's sorry for what had almost happened or for the angst it left between us.

_Tegan POV:_

When I took my cellphone after the quick dinner with my mom, I saw her messages. With the first she told me she had landed, in the second she asked me if I was landed, and in the third she asked me to answer her text to let her know I was safe. I felt bad for not have answered soon, but my cell was set on silent, and the trail of my thoughts just has distracted me from the things I usually do in these occasions. The first thing I always do is to text her to say that I'm safe. I didn't do that this time, and this says a lot about my mental state. Even after the most awful fight with Lindsey, I haven't ever forgot about text to Sara.

I've texted her after dinner, almost and hour ago. I waited for an answer for a while, then I just... went to distract myself.

I opened my laptop to go on the familiar site. I know it's sounds stupid but, I just wanted to remember how close we used to be. So I'm surfing the quincest tag, and I feel so pathetic for this. I'm looking for quotes from Sara just to read how she felt about us once again. And I'm stupid because every time my eyes lands on something Sara said about me, about us, I break down in tears. Every time my gaze falls on a gif of us, of her smiling at me, of her looking at me adoringly, my heart aches.

And when I see a gif of Sara hugging me, my soul fall to my feet and my heart breaks. My mind tells me I will never feel the warmth of Sara's body against mine again, or her breath caressing my neck for an instant, the beats of her heart against my chest...

My phone buzzes on the night stand and my heart jumps as I take it.

_- You've nothing to be sorry about.. see you soon -_

And this is not the answer I expected, and it leaves me confused. What does she mean with that? I don't really know and my mind it's running so fast that I can't even comprehend my own thoughts. But at least, she said 'see you soon'. She will come back to our tour. I will see her again.

For the first time in days, I smile... I will see her again.


End file.
